Snake Chronicles – Part 1: The Flower Bed Betrayal

I hate snakes. Not “oh, they’re not my favorite.” I mean—I will reconsider my entire living situation over one snake.

Several years ago, though, I heard a podcast talking about the “life review” people supposedly experience when they meet their Creator someday.

Immediately, I started thinking about the staggering number of snakes I had murdered over the years simply for existing near me and doing snake activities. Just slitherin’. Just snakin’.

Then I pictured myself in the great beyond having to explain why I turned into a reptile vigilante every spring.

So, I repented.

I apologized and asked God, Mother Nature, and St. Patrick—the patron saint of driving snakes out of places—to relay a message to the snake community:

I WOULD NOT murder them anymore…if they would kindly stay out of my flower beds. Or at the very least, out of my sight.

I also promised that if one did appear, I would attempt a peaceful relocation instead of immediately introducing it to a shovel and the afterlife.

I wanted a clean slate. No karmic retribution. No “Well, Erica… let’s revisit the garden incidents of 2007.”

And this plan seemed to work beautifully for years.

Until last week.

I was spring-cleaning flower beds. It was quiet. Peaceful. A Beautiful day.

For the first time since losing Dad, I actually felt productive. Therapeutic even. Like one of those euphoric women in a Lowe’s commercial pretending they absolutely love mulch.

Then—it happened…

A snake had the audacity to slither out of the pile of dead leaves I was holding like some kind of satanic noodle—completely betraying the peaceful covenant I thought the snake community and I had established years ago. I screamed, launched myself into a full-body heebie-jeebie shuffle, and yelled a swear word…or ten.

The dogs scattered. My soul briefly left my body and my first thought was:

“WHERE’S THE SHOVEL?!”

Unfortunately, that was only the beginning of the Snake Chronicles.

Anyway…off we go—because the dogs still need walked, snakes be snakin’, and apparently the limits of my spiritual growth are about to be severely tested. Part 2 coming soon…