A few days after the battle in the flower beds, I was sitting peacefully on the deck with the dogs, trying to recover emotionally and physically from my snake-rakin’ era.
The deck is sacred territory. That’s where I drink iced tea, read, write, and soak in the beauty of Mother Nature in my backyard.
Birds chirping in the trees. Scent of lilacs wafting through the air.Hummingbirds buzzing around the feeders.And the view of the lake and the bluffs behind it looking like something straight off a postcard. It’s peaceful. Quiet.Serene. Or at least it WAS.
I was sitting there reading when I heard movement in the rocks next to the deck. Milo, one of the members of my Shih Tzu hype squad, heard it too. He looked over the edge and started huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf he thinks he is.
Now normally, Milo’s specialties are squirrels, rabbits, and chipmunks. But this bark was different. I’m pretty well versed in barkology when it comes to my pack, and this one sounded very much like: “Ma’am… we have a breach of the deck perimeter and I do not care for it.”
At first, I tried to ignore him, but he was insistent… like Lassie trying to alert the whole town that Timmy fell in the well. Honestly, I really wanted it to be literally anything besides a snake. So I climbed out of my lounge chair to investigate.
Of course. Another freakin’ snake. WTF?!
At this point, I’m convinced there’s a secret snake strategy meeting happening somewhere nearby where they gather around and say, “You know whose peace we should disrupt tomorrow?”
My eyes scanned the deck for something useful for relocation.
A garden spade. A pen. A notebook. A cushion. A broom.
The rake was locked in the garage. The garden spade required entirely too much proximity to the invader. Broom it is.
So there I was, wobbling barefoot in the rocks beside my deck, trying to negotiate a forced relocation with a snake and a broom. Meanwhile, the dogs were barking behind me like a tiny hype squad egging me on from a safe distance.
Swiff! Swaff!
Then the snake maneuvered around the broom and slithered DIRECTLY over my bare foot.
EEEEEEEK!
SWEAR WORDS!!!
My yellow Lab, Outlaw Josey Tails, has learned over the years there are different categories of F-bombs. She understood the assignment.
She abandoned her post as squirrel watcher, came tearing around the side of the deck, launched over the Shih Tzu hype team, and chased the snake straight through a hole in the fence and into the neighbor’s yard.
Out of sight…but definitely not out of mind.
Later that night, I took the dogs out before bed. In the dark. As I walked back toward the door, I thought I saw something. Then I FELT IT. OMG!!!
I pointed the flashlight at the ground and screamed because THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE. I threw the flashlight while simultaneously performing what can only be described as interpretive dance for “there’s a June bug in my hair!” It escaped unscathed.
Touched by a snake TWICE in one day?! At this point, instead of touched by an angel, I feel stalked by Satan’s serpents.
I AM SO OVER THE INVASION OF THE SNEAKY SNAKES!!
Why so many? Is the universe testing me? Is this some kind of karmic payback for past reptile murders? Or did I unknowingly disturb an ancient snake burial ground while planting petunias?
I DO NOT KNOW.
But I’m still honoring the no-kill agreement… although the snakes appear to be operating under a completely different set of terms.
Anyway… off we go—because the dogs still need walked, the flowers still need watered, and stay tuned for what is HOPEFULLY the final edition of Snake Chronicles featuring my grandma and a family history of deeply questionable snake-management decisions.
UPDATE: Since the snake assault on my feet, my Snake Be Gone https://amzn.to/4eWJEW3 granules arrived and have been spread around the flower beds, deck, and patio perimeter.
I have not had a single encounter or sighting of any slithering yard noodles since… and I spent the entire weekend weeding and mulching flower beds like a woman reclaiming territory.
© 2026 Anyway… Off We Go™ by Erica Shoemaker. All rights reserved.
Anyway...Off We Go 